Kids of emotional manipulators live in a trauma response/responses of fighting back, fleeing, freezing, or fawning (fawning is trying to flatter the parent and keep them happy to avoid wrath and rejection).
These kids tend to grow up to become distrustful, feel shameful when there is no cause, lack autonomy, doubt their ability to produce worthy outcomes school/sports/club, and have trouble with forming their own identity and develop a “patchwork” identity of others around them (Erik Erickson, David Elkind)
As they become adults, they have trouble forming and maintaining intimate relationships (sometimes platonic, and more often—romantic), believing in their ability to produce good work, become stagnant, and regretful (Erickson).
As the child is transitioning to adulthood, kids have taken the lesson of their childhoods and made a conscious or unconscious decision: no one will meet my needs except me, so I’m going to manipulate others with smoke and mirrors to meet my needs and make them feel badly about themselves (think: gaslighting, abuse) so their focus will ALWAYS be on me and my needs, OR they become co-dependent. (Ross Rosenberg)
Codependents have often resolved to live in a fawn state, and so become paired easily with emotional manipulator. This is an example of intergenerational trauma. As someone who fawns and freezes, codependents are extremely sensitive to the moods of people around them, anticipate their needs, have an almost uncontrollable desire to “fix” things (as a way to decrease their anxiety…..fix it before I get punished).
How do we help heal co-dependency? It depends who you ask. I believe a combination of three excellent resources, and good trauma work from a licensed professional with ample training in trauma help in healing.
Why do co-dependents repeatedly end up with emotional manipulators? Because the dynamic feels familiar on so many conscious levels, and most importantly, on unconscious levels where emotions are encoded in a language that the logical brain cannot read. The attraction is such a “fit” for the “skill set” developed by the co-dependent that they fall immediately and deeply into what Ross Rosenberg calls “limerance”, but what they initially believe is love.
Are you a woman who experienced trauma in your childhood and now find yourself doing all of the work in your romantic relationships or friendships? Do you need help managing your anxiety from chronic trauma, or learning how to choose emotionally healthier partners?
Reach out to me at TammiLMHC@gmail.com. I hope to hear from you soon!
Tammi Imel, MA, LMHC
Owner & Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Indiana
Consultant & Coaching for Parents, Couples, and Individuals (U.S. & Canada)
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